Perfectionism has been on my mind a lot this year, and really my whole life in general. The topic has come up recently on TPRSlistserv and on Laurie Clarq's blog. Seeing this topic discussed on these public spots has helped me gain valuable insight into others' experiences with and views on perfectionism.
I've known since at least high school that I was/am a perfectionist. I remember writing my autobiography in 9th grade English class and talking about it in there. My view, however, of perfectionism has really changed this past few years... slowly. During high school I thought that my perfectionism was a real strength. It helped me channel my fears, mishaps, and otherwise negative experiences into positive ones. During my senior year, I remember having an anxiety attack during the spring because I had too much on my plate (president of NHS and soccer team member among other things). After that, I vowed to not to do too much again.
And I did a good job, during undergraduate. I made sure to limit my responsibilities (but to any sane person I'm sure I still did too much) and take time for myself. It was a good time. Some how that slipped away the closer I got to graduation. Possibly because of the pressure (or perceived pressure) of meeting my full potential as a person. During my internship, the idea of teacher burnout became very real. I took the following year off from teaching because of it. The burnout was real, but I didn't know how to slow myself down.
With the beginning of my teaching career, I was a permanent substitute. I worked very hard to balance my work and my life. I worked hard with my first full time teaching position at a very well known high school in Colorado to impress my co-workers, administrators, students and parents (sadly probably in that order too). Although my fiance tells me that he thought I did a better job during that first year than during the previous experiences, I worry that I might just be better at hiding it; or maybe I'm just getting worse at dealing with it. The bottom line is that I don't want this self-inflicted crazy, whirl-wind, judgmental, chaotic, stressful and pressured way of life any more.
It's a big challenge to step back from my life and really evaluate it from a different perspective. Many times I have epiphanies, which seem huge to me, but they're things that my fiance has noticed (and been telling me about) for months/years/etc. It's going to be a long journey back from this insanity of unrealistic expectations, but I know that just like TPRS, the journey will be well worth it for myself, my relationships with others and for my career. Here we go...
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